With a majority of Americans in a unremitting hunt for a better Smartphone, reviews indicate that new Smartphone products announced from Apple, Samsung, Sony, and others, are totally way better than the useless pieces of shit you bought from the same companies just six months ago.
A closer look at the new product lines suggests that the upcoming lines are totally different in spite of their numerous similarities to those hunks of plastic crap you’ve recently indicated would be better purposed by lodging them in assorted body cavities of the jerks who sold them to you. However, regular Smartphone customers are not only safe to ignore that last tidbit, but also encouraged to forget it.
Upcoming Smartphone releases are being promoted as big advances over existing products, and reports indicate that these phones will have the better cameras and easily-exploitable security features you’ve come to expect in a new device. In the spirit of perpetual phone-buying as the modern standard of success in America, one is certain to wholeheartedly agree with the vague advertising and plunk down another $800 on a new Smartphone — and possibly two — this year alone.
“Let’s face it, waiting until you sincerely need a new device or waiting around for actual advances is for poor people,” said Sylvia Sobel, who works in sales at the mobile electronics store in Brown Valley. “Think of all the opportunities you’ll be afforded to post about your new phone on social media, to show off new apps to your friends, and to ultimately begin complaining about it in four months when promotions for the new lines start coming out of the woodworks. Everyone loves a victim, and in just four months, it’s you all over again! A new phone is certain to get you loads of attention. What could be more ideal?”
“We know at times it feels like the search for a new, quality status symbol and social media generator is endless, but so is our line of credit for new Smartphone buyers,” Sylvia reports.
“With all this availability, why would you even think to put yourself in a social surrounding where you’re forced to make excuses about your old phone while your friends think you’re just too poor to buy a new one? Even if you are too poor, there’s no reason to let your friends think that way, which is why there’s never been a better time than now to buy!”