CLUNGE, Virginia — Triggered by a photograph of a cereal box he saw in his Facebook News Feed this morning, Brown Valley local Ralph Moats spent the morning attacking the inclusion of new unicorn-shaped marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal in a series of fiery social media posts.
“Has anyone seen how gay Lucky Charms are now? When the hell did Lucky Charms become so gay?” asked Moats, who claims he “grew up on the stuff”.
“I used to woof this stuff down by the fistful when I was watching Saturday cartoons! Pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers and blue diamonds, right? Now look at this garbage! Rainbows? Unicorns? Shooting stars?! You think pink hearts made you uncomfortable, well let me tell you, they’ve even had snowflakes. Snowflakes!! This isn’t something you can safely feed your kids watching cartoons anymore, this is something you sprinkle around at one of those queer marches! You’ve got to be a special kind of stupid to eat that queer stuff anymore!”
Moats, a househusband and social media guru, created nine separate Facebook posts about the issue between 9am and 1pm, alternating cereal posts with compelling details about his religious affiliation.
“I didn’t even think about that kind of shit when I was a kid,” declared Moats in one post, “But it’s obvious now they were trying to encourage all us kids to turn queer and do all that gay shit.”
“I’m just glad I turned out ok,” Moats concluded.