(Editor’s note: This is a guest article submitted by Toby Hammerson. Toby received a Masters Degree in Journalism from Berkeley in 2015 and currently works as a barista near Portland.)
Now we’ve seen it all.
This morning, while Tweeting about some time he was spending alone with First Lady Melania in the White House, United States — I gulp when I say this — President, the Moron in Chief, Donald Trump reposted a chocolate chip cookie recipe that — you guessed it! — didn’t have any chocolate chips listed as an ingredient!
What the actual fuck was this fucking buffoon fucking thinking?
Are we seriously entrusting the nuclear codes to this fucking menace?
The Cheeto Commander, mired in deservedly miserable ratings, just can’t seem to get enough people to stand on the side opposite him.
Make no mistake, this was a swipe. And this swipe was obviously taken at the expense of chocolate-chip baking midwestern housewives, a very integral part of his racist, hate-filled support base.
Now, this reporter is a person of the Planet Earth who is open to hearing other people’s stupid, baseless opinions, and that’s why I personally know some spinsterly white Christian gashes in Iowa, Nebraska, and Kansas who are always ready to fill you with some “sending prayers” mumbo-jumbo about their stupid sky-fairy. I couldn’t get to the phone fast enough to detail them on this nightmare Tweet and how The Annoying Orange was clearly rebuking them. And these stupid ladies had the nerve to suggest that it was a mistake or an omission.
Uh, hello, bitches?
Are you even fucking real?
How hard do you have to try to just abuse the basic facts right in front of your stupid fucking faces? Have you forgotten how to even FOLLOW a logical conversation? Have you forgotten how to just straight-talk with someone like you know how to show your fellow human beings some common fucking respect? For fuck’s sake, I have tried baking six batches of these fucking cookies now and they all taste fucking horrible!
Maybe you’re so blinded by your seething Nazi hate that you didn’t even count the characters. That’s less than 100 characters in use! “Chocolate chips” would add less than 20 fucking characters, you morons! You think Mr. Gabs-a-Lot is going to just waste characters and not give us every morsel he knows? That’s because either he doesn’t know because he’s a complete fucking idiot who doesn’t know that chocolate fucking chips go in chocolate fucking chip cookies …
… or, because he’s encoded something in the Tweet.
Nothing is a mistake. Everything this vomitrocious asshole does is very, very deliberate.
I considered it carefully. It’s pretty close to 88 characters, and it’s almost his 14th Tweet of the day. But that’s too easy. From there, it’s only logical that it’s a swipe at housewives, and that my longstanding opinion that he wants to turn every single American citizen against him so that he can nuke his own people like a cowardly piece of shit and then just replace us all with his assbuddy Russian friends — the only people he’s ever been beholden to — is far more real than Faux News (gag!) is giving me credit for!
Some attention over here, Hannity?
Tweeting the other ingredients is never enough, Mr. Trump. You have to tweet all the ingredients.
You can’t trust that people can figure it out on their own, asswipe!
For the record, my 7th batch just came out of the oven, and you guessed it … these ones suck, too.