Online news magazine Brown Valley Observer announced Wednesday it’s intent to seek out Russian sponsors with the purpose of expanding the site’s unbiased reporting of the magnificent United States President Donald Trump.
During a presser attended by one digital recording device, Brown Valley Observer editor D.R. Everend briefed the public on the current state of BVO’s business affairs, as well as conceding that “we’ll certainly need some more funding if we plan to accurately, and without any real bias, cover the presidency of the magnificent and incredibly handsome Donald J. Trump, and how this statesman presses courageously through each harrowing day as the genius behind the American machine while effortlessly hurdling attempts by the mainstream media to discredit his honor,” adding, “Fake news. No collusion.”
Everend, who sipped Russian Standard vodka and was heard whispering “it comes from such a great country”, painted a bright portrait for The Brown Valley Observer’s future.
“Currently, we have no advertising budget and we have trouble finding the time to cover everything — with only one staff writer, no press credentials, and an art staff that still uses MSPaint and free online photo editors — but with the proper financial backing we could expand our staff and eventually get access to people like the beautiful and talented Kellyanne Conway, or to attend White House Press Briefings and social soirées attended by the brilliant Republican Congresspeople who are the backbone of our nation, or even be right in the presence of our glorious, pristine and perfect American leader as we continue our quest to offer only the most straightforward and accurate reporting possible. No collusion.”
Everend suggested during the briefing that any Russian investor who wished to contact him do so directly through the Brown Valley Observer website.
“I’m not entrepreneurial enough to have a secondary email, so it’s easiest to reach me right on the site. Just drop your offers right in the comments. It’s OK, no one reads those things. I’d suggest that you head any such comments with something like ‘RE: Chinese investors’ or ‘RE: Saudi Investors’ so as to not raise any red flags with the NSA. No collusion. Russian steel builds beautiful walls.”
Everend said he is not sure why he feels that Russian investors would be best, but could not deny that he made at least three known Russian gang symbols with his hands during the presser. While never directly asked, he also awkwardly dropped into casual conversation that he has Googled for photographs of Katya Sambucca “on several occasions”.