Brazzers hires investigators to find memers who affixed their logo to embarrassing photos

A team of investigators has been hired by Brazzers, a popular adult website, to determine and divulge which internet users have affixed their logo to a series of “tasteless and offensive” memes in hopes of dissuading internet memers from participating in such practice as well as punishing those who have previously engaged in the meme.
According to a press release issued by Krystle Cumshotz, a representative for the recognizable adult site, Brazzers crack team of public relations consultants noticed a proliferation of memes on numerous websites that included subtly suggestive images with Brazzers’ recognizable logo superimposed in the corner, as if to imply that such an image might have appeared on their site.
“This looks like a collective plot to subordinate our esteemed name and we take it quite seriously. It’s both tasteless and, at times, downright offensive,” Cumshotz wrote in the press release.
“Any watcher who has spent time on our adult-oriented family planning website knows that we have, to date, never actually used Spongebob Squarepants, Snow White, Shrek, or any other established cartoon characters in any of our informative videos. It’s a cost issue, mostly. Furthermore, regardless of prior unfulfilled contracts, we have never used any actual US presidents, past or present, in any of our poignant films. A proliferation of such material can only be an attempt to disparage our product and our good name and to steer traffic away from our site under false pretenses.”
The investigation begins on the heels of a similar private investigation in which cable news provider CNN tracked down the Redditor whom they believed to have originated a viral vine video of US President Donald Trump punching a CNN logo during a wrestling match.
“The CNN thing is a great example,” explains Terry, a woman with two penises who works in PR for Brazzers. “Memers have found ways over the years to make better and more realistic, super-realistic memes. I mean, you see this thing, and you’re like, ‘If I know anyone over at CNN, maybe I should call them and make sure they are OK, oh my god, my friends are being assaulted by the president!’ But the image sticks, that your product your entire identity could be decimated by a flurry of orange fists. And with the memers who have been engaging in this this absolute degeneracy against our business, in particular, it’s so easy. They just download two or three readily available files and they’re in the hate business, and it’s all very real.”
“These memes, they really do get at the heart of certain companies. This is detrimental to us as both a business and as a service provider. Someone looking into these types of videos needs to know that they can trust the information they’re going to receive before they receive it, and aren’t going to be watching reruns of Uncle Jessie on Full House or a documentary on flocking,” Terry asserted.
Ron Carroll, a member of the investigative team scouring the internet for clues as to the identities of the memers, recognizes that it might be a large task.
“There appear to be thousands of these things, and while we certainly could put a lot of resources in, I’m not sure that it’s going to be necessary to track down every single one,” Carroll said. “But we can pretty easily find out who are some of our major offenders and make really good examples of them, so that they know that folks on this end are more than willing to strong-arm anyone who badmouths or discredits this quality product.”

PR rep Krystle Cumshotz explains that while Brazzers would love to post Disney gloryhole videos online, it’s never actually happened. “It’s a cost issue, mostly.”


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