President Donald Trump fingered an unknown woman in line at Kentucky Fried Chicken in Northern Virginia on Monday for taking a position on women’s health.
The woman, whose identity remains a mystery to the press at this time, noticed the president in line while both waited for service at the restaurant, and called to him, “I hope you reconsider your positions on a woman’s right to choose and other women’s health issues, Mr. President.”
According to a report filed by the unknown woman, President Trump reportedly fired back, “I resent you interrupting my private time with my Secret Service agents, and furthermore, I resent you expressing your opinion on women’s health issues.”
The president reportedly then forced his hand down the front of the woman’s pants and grabbed her genitals. According to at least one source the fingering of the woman for her women’s health position lasted about 3 minutes, after which the woman reportedly shuddered and crumbled limply to the floor. Surveillance video was unavailable of the incident due to a technical glitch, reported elated store manager Jamil Moussaf, who says he recently obtained a handsome windfall of cash and will likely be retiring from his position in the coming days.
Asked about the incident, the President spoke candidly, reporting that the woman “really wanted it, I could tell.”
“She had an opportunity to express her opinions in November 2016,” the president explained. “She lost, big league, and she’s going to keep losing and I’m going to keep winning, because that’s what I do.”
Brown Valley Observer 