Is Your Cat Racist? Here’s How to Find Out

According to an article published on the CNN website, America’s feline community is experiencing a swell in racism and other feelings of general animosity towards difference and change. The poll concluded that a majority of cats harbor feelings of deep hatred towards both non-feline communities as well as other felines, and could reasonably be classified as traditionally racist or, in some cases, even neo-fascist.
The same polls, however, found that many of their human counterparts were oblivious to the bitterness and hate that their furry friends are experiencing and in some cases the violent acts that their feline companions have carried out. In other cases, the owners have even witnessed violence, but did not recognize the root of the violence. This leads many to ponder: how exactly does one determine whether or not his pet is harboring ideological hate?
The Brown Valley Observer enlisted the assistance of Dr. Leticia Simmons, a noted cat psychologist who recently published Feline Sociology: What Cats Do When Their Humans Are Absent — which has a chapter on feline racism — to help our readers better determine whether or not their cat is secretly hoping for “Gray Tabby Only” litterboxes and waterdishes, or even for total feline supremacy.

Here is a bullet list of six things Ms. Simmons suggested you could look for:

1) Is your cat’s fur white or orange?
Fur color does make a difference. While all cats are prone to ideological hate, CNN reports that white and orange are the preferred colors for cats to wear to communicate with other cats that they are united in opposition to race-mixing or integration. Some cats are also known to wear speed-lace military boots or red suspenders or to even shave the tops of their heads to communicate that they no longer find change and difference welcome. These cats should be watched closely, as they are among those prone to committing hate crimes, including property destruction, back-paw clawing, or secretly building encampments where they imprison those they find different.

2) Does your cat enjoy eating food from cans?
Despite what you might believe about your kitty’s love of canned cat food, it’s really no better tasting than the dry stuff. Advertising also indicates that cats prefer the dry product, and who are we to question advertising?
What you may have overlooked is that your little bundle may be experiencing the delusion that he is enlisted with the Third Reich or a similar military regiment, eating from a knapsack and preparing to invade Poland.

3) Does your cat become active at night or nap in the day?
Racist cats are known to be active in evening and nighttime hours, and some will even nap occasionally throughout the day so they will be rested for the night. This nocturnal schedule is traditionally the same schedule upon which the Klan burns crosses on the lawns of those to whom they are ideologically or biologically opposed, and also the schedule upon when lynchings most often occur.

4) Does your cat occasionally bury brown things in dirt, sand, or litter?
According to MSNBC, the Ku Klux Klan reports pet enlistment — especially feline — is on the rise. Feline psychologists believe that your cat may be pretending he is in a heavily wooded area recreating a ritual Klan burial.
“Cats are pretty twisted little shits sometimes,” Dr. Simmons said, “But not as twisted as the type of Klansmen who’d hire a cat to bury a body,” adding, “anyone with good sense knows that burying is a dog’s job.”

5) Does your cat occasionally go on rants about the extermination of the Jewish people, or rationalize the benefits of Adolf Hitler’s tenure of power?
It’s fair to assume that your little fuzzball just seems well read, or maybe has watched a little too much History Channel while you were at work, but don’t be fooled. Feline psychologists warn that this is sometimes an early indication of your cat developing an growing unease with Semitic people. Dr. Simmons suggests that this might be a good time to cancel your cable or internet while you try to coax the cat back to a more rational point of view.

6) Did you register your cat to vote as a Democrat but he or she still voted for Donald Trump?
Wow. Your cat voted for Trump? Just … wow.
Welp, your cat is racist, alright. Trust us, we’re the media and we know about these things.
Be careful what you post on Facebook about your feline companion from here forward, you enabler.