Trump to hire DC prostitutes to urinate all over White House

In a move rarely seen by incoming administrations, sources close to president elect Donald Trump report that he is hiring a team of prostitutes to “methodically urinate” throughout the White House upon his arrival.
Sources close to the president elect revealed Thursday that he has procured an all-female crew of public servants from a business on K Street in Washington to “(urinate) on every mattress, any piece of furniture (the Obamas) might have sat on.” It’s has also been suggested that the president-elect plans to burn the urine-soaked mattresses in a West Wing bonfire, which he feels is “totally safe”,  adding “I’m in the construction business. I’m a very intelligent man and I know what I’m talking about, believe me”.
The story set off a firestorm among media, and the obviously angered president elect met briefly with the press, where he took questions from everyone but Jim Acosta.
“Any of these reports you’re hearing, that I’m a racist, it’s a bunch of crap drudged up by the fake news mainstream oaf parade,” the president elect stated. “It’s totally unfair. Hillary can say ‘superpredators’, she can say anything she wants, and just because I want to have some furniture sterilized or destroyed, somehow I’m a racist. It’s embarrassing. The media should be ashamed of themselves.”
Asked if he might be able to see where people could confuse this acts with those of someone who had racist tendencies, Trump fired back, “What you’re saying is indecent and undignified, and you disgust me. You really, really disgust me. There is a huge distinction between being a racist and being interested in living in a clean, sterile environment.”
“I mean, really, have you ever been to Kenya?” the president-elect asked the press corps. “They’re filthy, nasty people. A whore’s urine is more sterile than a Kenyan. You don’t want to just go resting your buttocks around where unwashed ape people have been sitting, that’s how you get the diseases and whatnot. And there’s nothing racist about it.”