Russian intelligence hacks 8 year old’s homework assignment

Feeling that his homework assignment may have been compromised, 8 year old Kyle Figgins refused to turn in his math homework to instructor Megan Forsythe on Tuesday, citing Russian meddling.
Sources close to Figgins ascertained that the homework assignment, a practice sheet comprising 10 word problems, may have been accessed by a security breach and fallen into the hands of Russian intelligence, where the solutions “may have been compromised”.
Classmates report that Kyle requested an opportunity to confer with sources and repopulate the answer sheet with numbers which Forsythe might find more favorable. He was unable to determine how long it would take to assess the situation and respond.
“It was a real shock,” said Ms. Forsythe. “The assignment wasn’t even supposed to be online, and then something like this happens. It really frightens you about what the Russians are capable of.”
Kyle’s father Ronnie was reportedly “dismayed” and “a little unsure that this could have taken place in the manner in which Kyle describes it.” His mother Yulia, a deli worker who herself immigrated from an Eastern Bloc country during the late 1990s, reported that she had helped him with the homework.
“I found it a little confusing,” Mrs. Figgins stated to reporters. “But I am unsure how an intelligence agent could have accessed the assignment and compromised his responses.”
“It’s very frightening,” Yulia concluded. “It really takes you back to the days of the old Soviet policies.”
Figgins, who Forsythe reports is not a particularly adept student and who is prone to exaggeration and excuse-making, has been offered an extension on the assignment. Furthermore, he has been recommended to discontinue any practice of handling time-sensitive mathematics assignment sheets in a manner in which they could be compromised by Russian intelligence.