In memoriam: supreme Cuban asshole, 90

Noted Cuban asshole Fidel Castro has passed away at the age of 90.
Castro was the ruling president and supreme asshole of Cuba for nearly 50 years. A revolutionary, Castro came to power in 1959 after overthrowing Fulgencio Batista, under whom Castro himself had previously been imprisoned. After the coup, Castro embraced Communism and quickly formed allegiances with Russian leaders, bringing the Cold War to the Western hemisphere and assuring that the Russians would subsidize the island nation for decades to come. With this came brutal relations with the US, which culminated in an invasion at the Bay of Pigs in 1961 as well as numerous assassination plots. The Russian deal crumbled under Russian president Mikael Gorbachev, who abandoned communism in the late 1980s, and in turn, abandoned Cuba and Castro. Without Russian support, Cuba became economically challenged. As a result of the challenges, the island nation of Cuba became bitter, burning bridges, cutting all ties with Cuba’s total bitch of a mom, sleeping in the backs of cars and rummaging around in dumpsters for food and clothing.
Castro pressed deeper into communism through the 1990s, often imprisoning defectors and punishing those who accumulated material possessions.
“The PNR (national police) would come down hard if they learned you owned anything your neighbor might not have,” said Miguel Fernández. “One time they searched me and asked if I had anything to declare. ‘Only my own misery’ I replied. I was imprisoned for one year for owning something that my neighbor might not own. In Cuba, the Regime owns all, even your misery.”
A totalitarian, Castro sated crowds with social programs and desegregation while the regime controlled every aspect of commerce and welfare and ultimately each citizen’s life. Largely because Castro was such a complete fucking dick, Cuba became increasingly isolated, and life became desperate for Cuba’s citizens. As his health deteriorated, however, Fidel appeased the masses once again by stepping down and passing the title of supreme asshole on to his brother Raúl in 2006.
Castro has been praised in recent years by socialist and communist sympathizers in the US, including Senator Bernie Sanders and Shaun King, both of whom are better noted for their compassion than their intellect.
However, his memory is best served to the Cubans who had defected to the US over the years. Cubans in the Little Havana District of Miami celebrated in the streets at the news of the demise of the Cuban dictator.
“Castro was an asshole of the highest order,” said Raúl Medina, who defected to the US in 2006. “I hope he rots in hell. That fucking dick oversaw death and pestilence, but chose the state over the people.”
“I miss my family every day,” said Antonio Arguello, a 2012 defector, “but it has been worth it, not seeing them, so that I could have a chance at life, any life at all.”
“He wasn’t so bad,” said Rick Beavers, a local college student who came to Miami to protest the celebrations.
“These people don’t the difference between socialism and state capitalism. It’s like, gosh,” reported Beavers.
Castro will be cremated according to his own wishes. Several Cuban citizens have come forward to offer to assist in the procedure.