Still reeling from election blues, Hillary brings entire bag of black jellybeans to heel

Hillary Clinton has the post-election blues.
A full week after her surprising defeat in the 2016 presidential contest, some of Hillary’s closest associates have revealed that she is dealing with her feeling of rejection by engaging in an age-old tradition: stuffing her face with comfort foods.
“Most of us have it easy, actually,” admits one member of her personal staff, who opted to not be identified in this article. “She’s not really looking at any detailed returns, and she’s pretty much abandoned the newspapers she used to surround herself with each morning. Her chef? He may as well be on vacation.”
“But the gophers, they’re running. She’s got someone running out every few minutes to pick up any assortment of prepackaged goods and bagged meals.”
Among her usual requests? Bacon bits, licorice nips, and blackberry candies.
“It’s kind of sad to watch,” one assistant reports. “She just sits in an easy chair, with a handful of assorted small black snacks, and mumbles while she gnashes her teeth on various confections and processed goods. You’d think she’d get up and exercise, but she just kind of sits there and fumes away.”
“It’s a real obsession at this point,” worries the assistant. “She’s not a young woman, and many of us are concerned with her unhealthy choices right now.”
“It’s going to be very difficult to find a doctor who’ll report her being in peak physical health after this binge, but I’m sure we’ll exhaust all resources to find one for her.”
Her personal favorite?
“Definitely black jellybeans,” the assistant revealed. “She has someone run out and fetch some black jellybeans, usually two or three times a day. She tears the bag open and stares at them angrily as she rips them apart with her teeth, one by one.”
“It’s like she has a vendetta against them,” another assistant observed.