Peaceful Portland protesters huddle around iPhone Fireplace app for warmth

Recognizing that they were disadvantaged by the lack of fires in their orderly protesting zone, Portland demonstrator Tyler McGlumb quickly found a way to help his fellow peaceful demonstrators keep warm as protests ran late into the cool Oregon evenings.
“I had to think quick,” Tyler revealed. “I had to figure out a way to bring fire to my brothers and sisters without creating a lot of chaos or destruction.”
Tyler’s calling came to fruition when he discovered the Fireplace app for his iPhone.
“It’s great,” Tyler said, pointing to the image of a crackling fire on his iPhone screen. “That’s fire, right there. For 99 cents, I’m able to help all of these people out.”
Tyler, a science major with a focus in kinetic energy at Reed College, admits he was a little discouraged by the heat levels of the fire at first, but as more demonstrators gathered in to stare at the screen, it slowly began to warm the crowd.
“It’s a miracle, dare an atheist say a godsend?” Tyler boasted. “My battery is pretty low, but if I was able to use my iPhone to provide fire and warmth for all of these people even for just a couple of hours, that’s the best buck I ever spent.”
“And I’m not damaging the environment like those other cretins,” said Tyler, who carries numerous plastic devices with him at all times.
“It’s great, I mean, it’s a little warmer up here, next to the phone app,” reported demonstrator Sarah Hinkle, a 22-year old aspiring actress who had ridden a bus in from Iowa. However, she lamented her discomfort at being extremely close in groups of strangers larger than four.
“I’m getting a little sick of the gentleman poking me in the back of the leg with whatever. I’m just like, ‘yuck man, you’ll get your turn next to the phone whenever I am done.'”
Spying a growing crowd around a raging trash fire almost two blocks away, Tyler closed his eyes and shook his head. “Sometimes, I wonder how the primitives will ever make it in a modern world.”